The Control Paradox
How Letting Go Fuels Leadership and Life
Are You a Control Freak?
If you’re reading this, chances are there’s a corner of your life, work, family, or even the gym, where your inner control freak reigns supreme. It’s the burden of needing things to go just right. But let’s unpack this: is control inherently bad? Not necessarily. Control can be a powerful tool. At its core, control is about minimizing risks and steering toward desired outcomes. The problem? It’s also the killer of creativity, agility, and growth, particularly for leaders.
Let’s start with a simple framework: self-control vs. self-discipline.
Self-control is saying “no” when you desperately want to say “yes.”
Self-discipline is saying “go” when you want to say “no.”
Getting out of bed at 5 a.m. for the gym? Self-discipline. Walking past that box of donuts in the breakroom even though they’re calling your name? Self-control. Both aim to minimize regret and align actions with long-term goals. So, control can be a good thing, until it becomes a stranglehold.
Why Leaders Obsess Over Control
Leaders crave control because it promises predictable outcomes. But let’s be honest, excessive control morphs into micromanagement, which kills creativity. Control exists on a spectrum. On one end, you need tighter reins for high-stakes scenarios like financial audits or regulatory compliance. On the other hand, letting go of control unlocks innovation.
Think about it: If a leader controls every decision, their team can’t innovate. Creativity and control are opposites. Authentic leadership is trusting your team to experiment, fail, and adapt. It’s about giving them the space to surprise you with solutions you never imagined.
Big companies? They’re control junkies. With decades of survival, they’ve learned to make rules to avoid mistakes. They also have pensions and stockholders that rely on stability in their stock prices. Every policy is a scar from some past failure. But here’s the rub: startups thrive because they haven’t learned what to fear yet. They move fast, break things, and rewrite the rules. That’s why they disrupt while big companies inch forward.
The Stoic Fork
Control isn’t just a workplace obsession, it’s a life obsession. We spend so much energy trying to control outcomes entirely out of our hands. The Stoics call this the dichotomy of control, or the Stoic Fork. Life splits into two buckets:
What you can control.
What you can’t.
Here’s the hard truth: you can’t control outcomes, only inputs. Let that sink in. You can’t force your side hustle to succeed. You can’t make your kid get straight A’s. You can control your effort, the example you set, and how you adapt when things don’t go your way.
Inputs You Can Control
1. Vision, Goals, and Mission
Your vision is your North Star. It’s where you want to be in 5, 10, or 50 years. Goals? They’re the mile markers. And your mission? That’s the car getting you there. As the Cheshire Cat said in Alice in Wonderland, without a clear vision, “It doesn’t matter which way you go.” Even if you don’t know exactly where you’re headed, clarity on where you don’t want to go is just as valuable.
2. Reactions
You can’t control life’s curveballs, but you can control your swing. Respond thoughtfully; don’t react emotionally. Leaders who respond constructively build trust and foster creativity. And when it’s yourself you’re dealing with? Give yourself grace. Dust yourself off, learn, and keep moving.
3. Decision-Making Boundaries
If you try to control everything, you become the bottleneck for everything. Four Seasons empowers employees to “do whatever is right for the customer.” It’s a radical level of trust, but it’s also why they’re known for legendary customer service. Leaders must clarify which decisions they’ll own and which ones their team can run with. Let go, and watch your team rise.
4. Attitude and Mindset
Stress is a story you tell yourself. Is it anxiety or excitement? The physical feeling is the same; your chosen narrative changes the game. Gratitude journaling and mindfulness reframe stress and keep you present. Preparation and a positive mindset can turn dread into confidence.
5. Actions and Choices
Your priorities and principles dictate your decisions. You can commit to small, consistent actions aligned with your goals. Intensity gets you results in the short term, but consistency gets you results for life.
6. Health and Wellness
This one’s simple:
Move daily (~10,000 steps).
Eat whole foods and cut processed junk.
Aim for 1g of protein per pound of body weight.
Sleep 7–8 hours a night.
Lift weights 3x a week.
Consistency in these five things will affect every area of your life, including mental clarity, emotional resilience, and physical stamina.
7. Relationships
You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Choose wisely, nurture relationships with people who challenge, inspire, and uplift you. Let go of toxic ties. You can’t control or change others, but you can control the energy you bring into every relationship.
The Takeaway
Control is a double-edged sword - one that demands careful wielding. Trust in your team, focus on the inputs, and release your grip on what lies beyond your control. Life isn't about avoiding every misstep but choosing which risks are worth taking.
Don’t get captured.
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