The Courage to Say No
Saying no is hard. Especially for high achievers, leaders, and people pleasers.
Sometimes it’s not bad ideas we struggle with—it’s great opportunities that arrive at the wrong time. Saying no to those? That takes courage.
We spread ourselves thin chasing too many good things, often in service of someone else’s priorities. In my Big Rocks article, I shared a mental model: start by identifying the 3–4 things that matter most in your life—your big rocks. Then add a few medium rocks—important but secondary—as long as they don’t crush your big ones.
But what about the rest? What about the rocks that don’t fit in the jar—opportunities that seem exciting but just miss the cut?
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I'm actually as proud of the things we haven't done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” - Steve Jobs
You can’t do everything. At least not all at once. And you shouldn’t pretend you can. That’s why I use a Stop-Doing List—a system to track what I’m intentionally not doing right now so I can protect what matters most.
The Stop-Doing List
High achievers live by to-do lists. But most lists grow faster than we can finish them. For Type-A executors, the calendar is sacred. But is everything we cross off actually important?
Here’s the counterintuitive productivity hack that changed how I work: I stopped focusing only on what to do—and got clear on what to stop doing.
It takes discipline. But constraints force focus. Here are some things on my own stop-doing list:
Checking email first thing in the morning
There’s nothing in my inbox that’s going to fire me up for the day. Email puts me into reaction mode. I’d rather start with intention and build around my big rocks.
Overhelping people who aren’t putting in the effort
I’ll show up if you’re showing up. Otherwise, it’s a one-sided investment.
Saying yes out of guilt
Saying yes is easy. Saying no takes courage. But when I overcommit and can’t follow through, that’s worse than a polite no. Integrity means saying no when you know you should.
Taking calls from unknown numbers
If it’s important, they’ll leave a message or text. Otherwise, it’s noise.
Starting the day without a #1 priority
A full calendar doesn’t mean you’re doing what matters. Every day needs a clear win. Ask: “What does success look like today?” Everything else is bonus.
Trying to help people who don’t want help
If you’re dragging someone instead of coaching them, you’re stealing energy from the people who are ready. A manager is not responsible for their people’s growth and development. They are, however, responsible for providing the opportunities to grow and enabling that development. It is on the individuals themselves to find their path in development.
Scrolling instead of reading
This one’s tough. Apps are addictive. But scrolling feels like rest—it isn’t. I’m sacrificing real learning for digital dopamine.
Overbooking my schedule with no buffer
Startups plan for runway. So should your calendar. White space isn’t wasted—it’s where deep thinking, strategy, and recovery happen.
The F.O.C.U.S. Framework
My list isn’t your list. But if you want to make real progress—not just stay busy—you need to get clear on what you’re saying no to.
Here’s a simple 5-step framework to help:
F — Filter: Audit your day
Watch how you actually spend your time. Every meeting, message, and task.
Ask: Does this align with my big rocks—or is it just noise?
Prompt: What are 3 things you did yesterday that didn’t move one of your big rocks?
O — Organize your rocks: Know what matters
Before you cut anything, name your top 3–4 life priorities. Family? Health? Building a company? Teaching?
Prompt: What are the 3–4 things you want to build your life around?
C — Cost: Count the tradeoffs
Every yes costs you something. Time, focus, energy. Also ask: What’s the cost of NOT doing this?
Prompt: What could you do more of if you stopped doing these 3 things?
U — Upgrade: Replace distractions with traction
Stopping something is only half the job. Fill that time with something that feeds your priorities.
Prompt: What high-impact activity will I do more of once I stop this?
S — Scan: Review and reset regularly
Priorities shift. What mattered last season might be noise now. Revisit your Stop List monthly or quarterly.
Prompt: What did I say yes to recently that I now regret?
Final Thoughts
Your Stop-Doing List isn't just another productivity tool—it's the foundation that makes everything else possible. It's not about being harsh or inflexible—it's about being intentional with your most valuable resource: your time.
Saying no isn't a weakness or a failure. It's how you make space for what actually matters. It's how you honor your deepest commitments rather than getting lost in the urgent but unimportant.
Your clarity about what you won't do becomes the shield that protects what you must do.
What will you stop doing this week?
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